Today has been the saddest day of my life...

Up until this point, I don't believe that I've ever cried for an entire day straight.

It started this morning when I woke up next to the only man that I can ever imagine being with for the rest of my life. I've been dreading this day for weeks. I started crying as soon as I heard the alarm go off, and it hasn't really let up for very long since. That's almost 12 straight hours. I didn't eat breakfast because I knew I'd throw up and that would make me feel even worse if that's possible. I went to some of my classes, but I left campus early because I just couldn't make it through the whole day. Tim came and picked me up after my lab and as soon as I saw his car driving toward me, I started to lose it again. I cried all the way back to Wolf Creek. When we went upstairs to his apartment, and he held me, I felt better, but I just couldn't stop crying. I helped him pack up a few things that he still had to pack, and then he put his stuff in his car and left for the airport. He's been gone for barely an hour, and I can't stand it. I love him more than anything. He's my whole world, and I'm so worried about him. I don't think I'll ever be happy until he's back and I'm in his arms again. I've been praying all day yesterday and today that he'll be safe and that God will let him come back to me. Please pray too.

It has been an incredibly long time since I've written, mostly because I forgot my login information, but also partially because I didn't really have much to say. If I could describe my life in one word right now, it would be "comfortable."

Summer has come and gone. I worked answering the telephone at a company in Clarksville during the week, but that was just basically to help the time during the week pass more quickly so I could get to the weekends that I lived for. I saw Timothy every weekend this summer except for one. The only one that we missed was the Saturday after I had gotten my wisdom teeth out, but it turned out okay because I got to see him that next Tuesday, which was my birthday. I realized this past summer that I'll never be able to live without him, so we've already decided that wherever he goes this coming summer, I'm going too.

I've been living in my apartment for almost 3 weeks now, and I love it. My roommates are fabulous and Tim is right across the street so I split my time 50/50 between here and his apartment.

Life feels very comfortable at the moment, but I can't help but feel that I've yet to reach my peak. All through life, I've felt like I'm constantly building myself up for the next stage, and now is no different. Hopefully it will be comfortable too.

Thoughts

Here I am in my last night of living in a college dorm, and I can't sleep. It's 3:20 a.m., and sleep is nowhere in sight. This is mostly because I have a whole lot on my mind. It's amazing the difference a year can bring. At this time last year I was really looking forward to going home. I was tired of the guy I was dating, and summer seemed like the logical time to call it off. I also had a terrible living situation with my former suitemates, and I had a pretty hard time adjusting to the university lifestyle. Things are oh so different this year. I said goodbye to Jessica quickly tonight because I probably would have gotten emotional if it was a long and drawn out process. I'm dreading saying goodbye to Tim tomorrow, and I'm just hoping that I can hold it together for that. I spent about an hour talking to my suitemates Jacki and Audrey tonight as they were packing up their room, and it took me back to August when I was helping them figure out everything. I went to eat at the Wolves' Den tonight with Yoonhee for the last time ever. I think it's hitting me all at once that my life is about to take a drastic change, and I'm not sure how I feel about it really. I just think it's really interesting that you learn so much in college, but no one here teaches us how to say goodbye. Tim can make me feel better and get through to me when no one else can, and tonight I was telling about all of this. He told me "This isn't goodbye, it's I'll see you later," and I guess that's the best way to think of it. So to everyone here that I've become so close to over the past year, I'll see you later. And now that I've gotten that out, it's time to get a few hours of much needed sleep before my mother arrives to help me move out tomorrow...

What's wrong with the world today?

Seriously, what is going on? I have few pet peeves, but number 1 on my list is definitely immaturity. I've found that I deal with it a lot too, but in several different forms. First, I hate when people are obviously not on the best of terms, but they won't just come out and talk about it. Sitting around stewing in your own anger does nothing to benefit anyone. I will admit that I myself am sometimes guilty of this, but more often then not it's to avoid vicious confrontation. I am not a very confrontational person, but I will stand up for myself when I need to. I've put up with a lot of unnecessary bullshit over the years, but I've been doing a much better job of being assertive lately. I really realized how immature people in general are when I went out with my fabulous boyfriend tonight. It apparently is prom night at every high school in Wake County, for there were prom-goers everywhere. I was appalled at their behavior in public tonight. They went around with no concern for the regular people that were trying to enjoy a nice evening out, spending several hours in restaurants and taking up tables that other people had to wait for 45 minutes for. Also, there were lots of younger middle school aged children out because their parents didn't want to pay for a babysitter so they set them loose. It has become the policy for many if not all movie theaters in Raleigh to not allow people under the age of 18 to go to movies after a certain time. My senior year of high school, I was only 17, and every time my friends wanted to come to Raleigh, we always ended up having to change our plans because I wasn't old enough to stay out as late as they wanted. However, now that I'm in college and I see the way these kids act, I'm completely in favor of these rules. People shouldn't have to pay for the fact that these kids' parents are incompetent, lazy, and downright stupid. Finally, I'm amazed at the amount of people that I come in contact with here at NC State that still have no idea what they want to do with their lives. It's almost like they're using college as a way to put their lives on hold until they come up with something. If mommy and daddy are paying for college, I feel that these students owe it to their parents to come up with some sort of plan. The way I think about it, if they go out into the world and they hate their career path, they can always go back to school, but they should pay for it themselves the 2nd time around. I'm planning on going to veterinary school when I finish my Animal Science degree, and I'm not sure how I'm doing it yet, but I'm going to do my best to pay for as much of it as I can on my own. I just don't feel like parents should be forced to pay for junior to waste his life away.

1 down!

I just got back from taking my ANS 230 final exam, and I think it went pretty well. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't terribly easy either. It took me right at an hour to finish it, which is pretty typical of tests for that class. Hopefully it went okay and I'll get a good grade. Now I have to finish studying for my statistics final. I'm just hoping not to fail it...

Score!!

Although I have yet to take a final examination, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am in the honors program for CALS, and to graduate with honors, we must complete a year long honors research project. Yesterday morning I got notification that I had been accepted for my first choice of research project. I meet with my new honors mentor tomorrow for the first time, and I am so excited! Next year I'll be doing research on beef cattle nutrition at the Butner Test Station on Angus bull calves. I can't wait!

Relax, Take it easy

I'm going home tomorrow for the first time in quite a while, and honestly I'm not really looking forward to it. I've stayed at school more weekends this semester than I've been home, and I've come to a place where I feel much more comfortable here than when I'm at home. I value my independence, and as soon as I get home, it will once again be temporarily revoked. I've been here for a few days shy of a whole month, and I've done quite a good job of taking care of myself. When I get home tomorrow afternoon, both of my parents will immediately start parenting me again. I understand that that's their job, but I have begun to dread going home because it's become obvious that my parents are basically miserable together and they're just staying together for the kids, and my brothers are completely out of control. On top of this, I'm worried about some other things that have recently come up, but I suppose all I can do is relax and hope for the best. Truth be told, I couldn't come up with an appropriate title for this blog, so I named it after the song I was listening to. I like Mika more and more, and Relax, Take it easy is too cute. Go listen!