Why?!?!

Just in case you haven't figured it out yet, Adrien Brody is the object of my affection. I simply love everything about him. I love his distinctive features, his laid-back personality, and the way that he chooses to take on roles that he thinks will be fun. Mostly though, I just love his acting. His career has been filled with diverse roles, including that of a bisexual punk rocker Spike Lee's Summer of Sam, his role as a Polish Jewish musician trying to survive in the Warsaw ghetto in World War II in Roman Polanski's The Pianist, the role of a mentally handicapped man in M. Night Shyamalan's The Village, and most recently, the role of a 1930's playwright in Peter Jackson's King Kong. Mr. Brody has delivered breathtaking and magical performances in all of these films, and with his talent, distinctive looks, and old Hollywood elegance, he is destined to become a major player in the Hollywood scene in the near future.

This brings me to the topic of my post. In my opinion, a man such as Mr. Brody deserves only the best. So why does he choose to date such unattractive women? I will start with the ex-girlfriend, Sky Nellor. Ms. Nellor's claim to fame? She is a model and a club DJ. Obviously she's not too good, because I had never heard of her before, and I am an avid Dance Dance Revolution player and Vogue reader. Ms. Nellor left Adrien while he was preparing to play Wladyslaw Szpilman, a role for which he later became the youngest actor to ever win the Academy Award for Best Actor. For this role, Mr. Brody lost 30 lbs., and gave up his apartment and car. Ms. Nellor chose to leave him rather than to witness the "ordeal he was choosing to put himself though." The movie was a huge success, and when Adrien won the Academy Award for Best Actor for his performance in The Pianist, Ms. Nellor was quoted as saying that in that moment "the passion just came out of him." She also reassured everyone that he wasn't acting in that moment, but he was actually showcasing the sensitive and sincere personality that she knew and loved. It sounds to me as if someone was hating life at that moment. And in my opinion, she should have been. Not only because she chose to end a long term relationship with one of the most talented actors of our time, but also because, well, look at her! She looks like she was beaten up and then got bad plastic surgery to repair the damage. I understand that the male species is attracted to tall and thin women, and Ms. Nellor definitely has that down, but her body somehow reminds me of an awkward newborn giraffe. And where is her fashion sense? You'd think that with the combined effect of her being a model as well as being somewhat in the public eye, she'd invest in a stylist to make up for her obvious lack of taste.

And now onto Adrien's current flame, Michelle DuPont. Her claim to fame? She dates celebrities. Everything that I've found about her online (and believe me, I've done my research) says that Ms. DuPont is a rock groupie. Maybe it was cool to be a groupie back in the 60's, or even as recently as the late 90's with the huge boyband craze going on, but it's 2006, and Michelle DuPont needs to realize that it's time to get a real job. She's previously been linked to Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst as well as Jane's Addiction's Dave Navarro. (In other words, this chick has been around the block.) Mr. Durst has dated quite a few celebrities including Courtney Love, Alyssa Milano, Carmen Electra, Britney Spears, Halle Berry, and has slept with Rod Stewart's ex-wife Rachel Hunter, Pamela Anderson, and numerous Playboy Playmates. So why did he date Michelle DuPont? My guess is that she was just some random drunk girl that he met at a party and hooked up with, and then felt guilty about it later so he dated her for a while. She must have a fascination with Carmen Electra of some sort, because she's dated 2 of Carmen's ex's (and she's probably slept with quite a few more of them.) Well, I assure you, Michelle DuPont is no Carmen Electra. You'd think that after dating as many celebrities as she has, she'd have gotten one of them to pay for plastic surgery to fix her hideous face. Maybe she SHOULD take up acting. She has the perfect nose to play Cruella DeVille. Or she could also play Mr. Ed as her teeth highly resemble those of the famous television horse. Acting might not work out for her though, seeing as how she'd probably have to take a shower beforehand, and she seems to prefer the grungy look. Basically, I'm just sad to see Adrien mixed up with a pathological celebrity dater that will leave him as soon as someone more famous comes along.

So back to the original topic of this post. Why does the stunningly handsome Adrien Brody date such homely women? My only guess is that it's because he hasn't met me yet. Notice I say yet, because I am quite sure that it is going to happen some day. And when it does, Michelle DuPont and Sky Nellor will have to find new love interests, because Adrien and I will be together forever. Since I am such a nice person and trying to look out for everyone involved's best interests, I have taken it upon myself to pick out new beaus for the women who will soon be shunned.

My pick for Sky Nellor is Dennis Rodman. It would be a match made in heaven. I mean, if you compare their photos, you'll see that they have matching facelifts. I am convinced that this is the sign of a lasting relationship. They obviously share the same aesthetic, and that in itself gives them a strong foundation. Earlier in this post, I critiqued Ms. Nellor's fashion sense. This is another reason that I picked Dennis Rodman for her. Her modeling career seemingly hasn't taught her much about what it means to be fashionable, but I believe that Mr. Rodman can whip her into shape in this department. He is known for his memorable choices of outfits, and let's face it, he does makeup like a pro! I also think that Dennis Rodman would be a great choice for Ms. Nellor as he would help her gain street cred which is most useful on the club scene with his bad boy image. Sky Nellor, if you know what's good for you and you want to save your (lack of a ) career, do yourself a favor and give Mr. Rodman a call.

Now for my pick for Michelle DuPont. Marilyn Manson. I think that it would be best for Ms. DuPont to get back to her roots and start dating rockers again. In that case, who better to date than a celebrity who took have of his name from movie star Marilyn Monroe and the other half from serial killer Charles Manson? I think that Marilyn and Michelle would be great together for several reasons. They both have that walking dead look which is oh-so-popular today. They also have the same taste in music as well as the same drug addiction. This gives me a great idea for where they should go on their first date. Narcotics Anonymous meeting anyone? The only thing that I'm not sure of is whether or not Marilyn is grungy enough for Michelle. He seems to like his makeup done just so, and she seems to not even care if she goes out in public with bedhead. Ah well, differences in relationships are important because they give us something to argue about, and therefore a reason to have makeup sex.

Adrien Brody was furious with rumors that he was cheating on Michelle with Keira Knightley during the filming of The Jacket. He said that he doesn't take being in a relationship lightly, and I applaud that attribute. I just wish that he would break up with the serial celebrity dater and either date an actress, a regular girl, or me. Preferably me, of course. As I said earlier, someone like him deserves only the best, and that is definitely not Sky Nellor or Michelle DuPont. At least I can say that he doesn't go just for looks (otherwise he would not be dating either of these women), I just think that he deserves someone with the whole package. I can only hope that soon he will leave Michelle for me, and we'll sail the Mediterranean together, and live happily ever after.