Today has been the saddest day of my life...

Up until this point, I don't believe that I've ever cried for an entire day straight.

It started this morning when I woke up next to the only man that I can ever imagine being with for the rest of my life. I've been dreading this day for weeks. I started crying as soon as I heard the alarm go off, and it hasn't really let up for very long since. That's almost 12 straight hours. I didn't eat breakfast because I knew I'd throw up and that would make me feel even worse if that's possible. I went to some of my classes, but I left campus early because I just couldn't make it through the whole day. Tim came and picked me up after my lab and as soon as I saw his car driving toward me, I started to lose it again. I cried all the way back to Wolf Creek. When we went upstairs to his apartment, and he held me, I felt better, but I just couldn't stop crying. I helped him pack up a few things that he still had to pack, and then he put his stuff in his car and left for the airport. He's been gone for barely an hour, and I can't stand it. I love him more than anything. He's my whole world, and I'm so worried about him. I don't think I'll ever be happy until he's back and I'm in his arms again. I've been praying all day yesterday and today that he'll be safe and that God will let him come back to me. Please pray too.

It has been an incredibly long time since I've written, mostly because I forgot my login information, but also partially because I didn't really have much to say. If I could describe my life in one word right now, it would be "comfortable."

Summer has come and gone. I worked answering the telephone at a company in Clarksville during the week, but that was just basically to help the time during the week pass more quickly so I could get to the weekends that I lived for. I saw Timothy every weekend this summer except for one. The only one that we missed was the Saturday after I had gotten my wisdom teeth out, but it turned out okay because I got to see him that next Tuesday, which was my birthday. I realized this past summer that I'll never be able to live without him, so we've already decided that wherever he goes this coming summer, I'm going too.

I've been living in my apartment for almost 3 weeks now, and I love it. My roommates are fabulous and Tim is right across the street so I split my time 50/50 between here and his apartment.

Life feels very comfortable at the moment, but I can't help but feel that I've yet to reach my peak. All through life, I've felt like I'm constantly building myself up for the next stage, and now is no different. Hopefully it will be comfortable too.

Thoughts

Here I am in my last night of living in a college dorm, and I can't sleep. It's 3:20 a.m., and sleep is nowhere in sight. This is mostly because I have a whole lot on my mind. It's amazing the difference a year can bring. At this time last year I was really looking forward to going home. I was tired of the guy I was dating, and summer seemed like the logical time to call it off. I also had a terrible living situation with my former suitemates, and I had a pretty hard time adjusting to the university lifestyle. Things are oh so different this year. I said goodbye to Jessica quickly tonight because I probably would have gotten emotional if it was a long and drawn out process. I'm dreading saying goodbye to Tim tomorrow, and I'm just hoping that I can hold it together for that. I spent about an hour talking to my suitemates Jacki and Audrey tonight as they were packing up their room, and it took me back to August when I was helping them figure out everything. I went to eat at the Wolves' Den tonight with Yoonhee for the last time ever. I think it's hitting me all at once that my life is about to take a drastic change, and I'm not sure how I feel about it really. I just think it's really interesting that you learn so much in college, but no one here teaches us how to say goodbye. Tim can make me feel better and get through to me when no one else can, and tonight I was telling about all of this. He told me "This isn't goodbye, it's I'll see you later," and I guess that's the best way to think of it. So to everyone here that I've become so close to over the past year, I'll see you later. And now that I've gotten that out, it's time to get a few hours of much needed sleep before my mother arrives to help me move out tomorrow...

What's wrong with the world today?

Seriously, what is going on? I have few pet peeves, but number 1 on my list is definitely immaturity. I've found that I deal with it a lot too, but in several different forms. First, I hate when people are obviously not on the best of terms, but they won't just come out and talk about it. Sitting around stewing in your own anger does nothing to benefit anyone. I will admit that I myself am sometimes guilty of this, but more often then not it's to avoid vicious confrontation. I am not a very confrontational person, but I will stand up for myself when I need to. I've put up with a lot of unnecessary bullshit over the years, but I've been doing a much better job of being assertive lately. I really realized how immature people in general are when I went out with my fabulous boyfriend tonight. It apparently is prom night at every high school in Wake County, for there were prom-goers everywhere. I was appalled at their behavior in public tonight. They went around with no concern for the regular people that were trying to enjoy a nice evening out, spending several hours in restaurants and taking up tables that other people had to wait for 45 minutes for. Also, there were lots of younger middle school aged children out because their parents didn't want to pay for a babysitter so they set them loose. It has become the policy for many if not all movie theaters in Raleigh to not allow people under the age of 18 to go to movies after a certain time. My senior year of high school, I was only 17, and every time my friends wanted to come to Raleigh, we always ended up having to change our plans because I wasn't old enough to stay out as late as they wanted. However, now that I'm in college and I see the way these kids act, I'm completely in favor of these rules. People shouldn't have to pay for the fact that these kids' parents are incompetent, lazy, and downright stupid. Finally, I'm amazed at the amount of people that I come in contact with here at NC State that still have no idea what they want to do with their lives. It's almost like they're using college as a way to put their lives on hold until they come up with something. If mommy and daddy are paying for college, I feel that these students owe it to their parents to come up with some sort of plan. The way I think about it, if they go out into the world and they hate their career path, they can always go back to school, but they should pay for it themselves the 2nd time around. I'm planning on going to veterinary school when I finish my Animal Science degree, and I'm not sure how I'm doing it yet, but I'm going to do my best to pay for as much of it as I can on my own. I just don't feel like parents should be forced to pay for junior to waste his life away.

1 down!

I just got back from taking my ANS 230 final exam, and I think it went pretty well. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't terribly easy either. It took me right at an hour to finish it, which is pretty typical of tests for that class. Hopefully it went okay and I'll get a good grade. Now I have to finish studying for my statistics final. I'm just hoping not to fail it...

Score!!

Although I have yet to take a final examination, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am in the honors program for CALS, and to graduate with honors, we must complete a year long honors research project. Yesterday morning I got notification that I had been accepted for my first choice of research project. I meet with my new honors mentor tomorrow for the first time, and I am so excited! Next year I'll be doing research on beef cattle nutrition at the Butner Test Station on Angus bull calves. I can't wait!

Relax, Take it easy

I'm going home tomorrow for the first time in quite a while, and honestly I'm not really looking forward to it. I've stayed at school more weekends this semester than I've been home, and I've come to a place where I feel much more comfortable here than when I'm at home. I value my independence, and as soon as I get home, it will once again be temporarily revoked. I've been here for a few days shy of a whole month, and I've done quite a good job of taking care of myself. When I get home tomorrow afternoon, both of my parents will immediately start parenting me again. I understand that that's their job, but I have begun to dread going home because it's become obvious that my parents are basically miserable together and they're just staying together for the kids, and my brothers are completely out of control. On top of this, I'm worried about some other things that have recently come up, but I suppose all I can do is relax and hope for the best. Truth be told, I couldn't come up with an appropriate title for this blog, so I named it after the song I was listening to. I like Mika more and more, and Relax, Take it easy is too cute. Go listen!

Just a typical Monday night in 202C...

"I didn't make you come here."
-Icka

"No, but I have."
-Timothy

Samantha, 1992-2007

My love of animals started at a very young age. When I was in kindergarten, I got my cat Samantha. My mom's friend's neighbor always had a lot of cats because she loved them, and took in every one that she found. Because she did this, she always had more cats than she could handle and was always looking for good homes for them. I still remember the day that we went to her house to get Samantha, and her brother Leo. I was so excited when we brought them home. We kept them inside for the first week while they got used to us so that they wouldn't run away when they were free. Soon after we let them out, Leo disappeared and we never saw him again, but Samantha stuck around. Pretty soon after, she had her first kittens. All four of them were beautiful, and I wanted to keep them all. When they were about eight weeks old, they all disappeared one day. I believe someone took them, because that's not uncommon in my community. Samantha had kittens 3 more times, and she had 4 each time, making a total of 16 kittens throughout her life. We kept several of them, but all of them ran away over time. Samantha was the only one that stayed. Last weekend when I went home, my mother told me that Samantha was missing. Because of her advanced age, I immediately assumed the worst, but since we couldn't find her body, my mother held on to hope that she'd come back. This afternoon, my mom called me and told me that my brothers had found Samantha in the pasture, and that she had passed away. My family buried her in the pet cemetary in our back yard. I'm handling this much better than I expected, but I still miss her.

My personality

Attentive Curator

This is a happy blog entry. Why? Because I said so. Happy happy happy.

*sigh*

This has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. I stayed at school last weekend to study for an Organic Chemistry test that was this past Monday. I studied, but I still failed my test. I have never really been excellent at chemistry, but I have never failed a chemistry test. I was so upset over my grade, and I calculated it out to see what grades I would have to get to bring it up. According to my calculuations, I would have to make a 100 on everything from now until the end of the semester, and even then, I would only be able to pull off a B-. I was scared to take a chance with my GPA and my vet school application, so I talked to my parents, who agreed that I should drop the class now and take it next semester so that I can plan to take less hours. I was taking 17 this semester, and up until now, the most I've taken at one was 15, and even then, I had way too much work. I dropped it, and I feel so relieved. I finally feel like what I have is manageable whereas before I dropped CH 223 I was so overwhelmed. Last night was the first night this entire semester that I was able to finish everything that I needed to. Basically I'm just relieved.

Ew.

I was eating some circus peanuts that my mom brought to me yesterday when she came to visit me. I ate one, and noticed that it taste a little funny, but thought that maybe it was just because they're a cheap non name brand. I bit into the second one, and noticed a strange smell. I picked up the bag, and sniffed. Smoke. My mom said yesterday that my dad's been smoking more than usual, and apparently she wasn't exaggerating. I know he's got a lot of stress right now, but he's killing himself, and honestly, I'll consider myself very lucky if he's still around in ten years.

Leave me Valentines!!

Get your own valentinr

Everlong

Hello, I've waited here for you... Everlong.
Tonight, I've thrown myself into,
And out of the red, out of her head she sang.

Come down and waste away with me, down with me...
Slow how, you wanted it to be,
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang.

And I wonder when I sing along with you,
If everything could ever feel this real forever.
If anything could ever be this good again,
The only thing I'll ever ask of you.
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when.
She sang.

Breathe out, so I can breathe you in,
Hold you in, and now, I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang.

And I wonder when I sing along with you,
If everything could ever feel this real forever,
If anything could ever be this good again.
The only thing I'll ever ask of you,
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when.
She sang.

And I wonder,
If everything could ever feel this real forever,
If anything could ever be this good again.
The only thing I'll ever ask of you,
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when.

Your Preppy Name Is...

Willoughby Teller Freeborn the Third But most people know you as Bitsy

What's Your Preppy Name?

Oh Timothy...

timjw05: shoot me, but don't castrate me
calliefornia 05: why not?
timjw05: because I think I could deal with a bullet more than losing my balls.
timjw05: we're attached okay? haha

I am not 12 years old

I vividly remember my mother telling me when my family was visiting my grandmother during my senior year of high school that your age doesn't matter, because no matter how hold you are, you will always be treated like a child when you're at home. She promised me that she would do her best never to do that to me, because it's always been frustrating for her. Apparenly, my father missed this memo. I will turn 20 in July. The problem is that I'm apparently still 12 years old in my father's eyes. I was watching Garden State on IFC, which is fast becoming one of my favorite channels, and one of the characters yelled "Hey, get the fuck in the pool!" My father happened to be walking by at the time that this occured, and he gave me a dirty look, and said "Callie, I can't believe that you watch this filth." It's very frustrating. And I'm sick of it. I'm planning on spending a lot of time in Raleigh this semester. And in August, I'm moving into an apartment, and declaring my own residence so at least I don't have to put up with this shit much longer.

Dirt

I just watched the series premiere of Dirt, the new show on FX. I was curious about this show because, as an avid fan of Nip/Tuck, I've been seeing advertisements for it for months. FX has been promoting this show since the season premiere of Nip/Tuck, which was aired back in September. Basically, I just wanted to see if this show lived up to the hype. I also am in search of a show to fill my Tuesday night opening while Nip/Tuck is over for the season. Overall, I felt that the pilot of this series was just average. My main concern is that I felt quite confused at the end of the episode. I didn't feel that the characters were introduced very well. The way that they just seemed to come in and out of the episode was confusing, and I found myself using the rewind feature on my DVR on several occassions in hopes of clearing up my confusion. Also, The storyline with the basketball star just seemed to end. He did appear in the scenes for the rest of the season, so I am hopeful that his storyline will be resolved, and his character's place in the big picture will become clear. Although I had some complaints about the pilot of Dirt, there was a lot that I liked about it as well. I really like the way they're visually shooting this series so far. I really enjoyed the way that the photographer's schizophrenic episodes were shot. One of my favorite parts was when he finally visited the pharmacy to have his prescriptions filled. The photographer could see the pharmacist's words coming out of her mouth as she spoke them. I also liked the part where he went to take his pills, and as he opened each bottle, a new musical tone escaped. Overall, the photograher is definitely my favorite character thus far. Finally, I really thought that the guy that Lucy slept with (and later used her stun gun on) was very attractive. I was unable to find his name or any information about him for this blog, but I will continue my search, and hopefully I'll come across some useful information. Overall, I'm not impressed with Dirt as of yet, but I'm planning on watching a few more episodes. Hopefully the next few episodes won't disappoint.